FACT 1: Aeroplanes Are Actually Made Of Sophisticated Rice

Square image of paper from a notebook. Text reads FACTS, above a crude line drawing of something that has been coloured in various shades of blood, pink and ruddy red.

 

FACTS are all around us.

Without facts there could be no financial system nor any really high quality aquariums.

Facts enable us to connect with our fellow humans. Some animals, such as cows, dolphins and auction valuation operatives, even understand facts.

You can use facts to persuade people of certain things. Unless they disagree with your facts.

Square paper background with text reading ‘FACTS are like HAEMHORROIDS:’ and a smaller reproduction of the picture from the previous tweet, which can now be identified as of haemorrhoids.Square paper background with many reproductions of the line drawing of haemorrhoids from the previous panel. Text reads: ‘ANNOYING and MAY NOT GO AWAY’

On this blog we will be presenting to you our SECRET FACTS WEAPONS - highly curated tightly controlled facts that no person or animal could disagree with.*

Subscribe to this blog for many facts! See bottom of page.

Here comes Fact 1.

Fact 1: AVIATION FACT

Square panel with a two-tone background of sky blue and sea blue. Over the sea is flying a bad line drawing of an aeroplane. The aeroplane is white with red wheels. Through the grey cockpit window we can see it is being driven by a stick person using a steering wheel. There are no other windows on the aircraft and it looks as if one of the wings is missing. Superimposed over this image is a bright yellow crudely drawn box with the word ‘FACT’ in it.

Square panel with a paper background. The aeroplane from the previous panel is reproduced here, angled so it is pointing to the bottom left corner. The haemorrhoids from the title panel are reproduced above the plane. Text runs over the plane, reading: ‘Aeroplanes are actually made of sophisticated rice’. Underneath the word ‘rice’ are some grains of what looks like purple and pink rice.

Not many people know the story of how a little-understood loophole in the laws of physics created an unprecedented boom in the tourism industry.

Cast your mind back to 1774. Alone in the paddy fields of North Luton, Bjagnor the Lutonian Viking is tending her grains of rice. 

Alongside her in the next allotment is Bnagspart, the Lutanian Viking, on a visit from Lutania. 

Bnagspart turns toward Bjagnor and, as she does, spies what looks like a movement in the wet foodstuff. 

On closer inspection, it is portions of the foodstuff itself that are moving - some of the grains are purplish-pink, and these grains are levitating ever so slightly, and vibrating in the air.

Soon the allotment begins to hum with the sound of vibrating rice. Bnagspart collects four bags of samples and takes them to her lab, where she discovers that this is no ordinary rice.

This is vibrating levitating rice.

Working on a hunch, she empties one of the sample bags into her patented Bnagspartor and centrifuges it into a pink dust.

Mixing the dust with a picture of Morten Harket from 1980s Earth band a-ha, she rolls out the resulting paste onto her experimental surface and allows it to dry.

What she discovers is epoch-changing. The levitation power of the rice dust is lifting Morten Harket's picture into the air - fast.

Bnagspart jumps into her futuristic Tesla idiot wagon and speeds back to the allotments, where Bjagnor is waiting with a pre-prepared contract. 

The two set up Jupiter's second-ever community interest company and, borrowing 4000 Golbtrons from SoftBank, leave their families and trust circles behind to teleport to Earth, where they disguise themselves as Richard Branston and mistakenly end up as jars of pickle.

Meanwhile Orville Wright obtains their teleporting device via an unlisted YouTube video that links to a secret eBay auction, and uses it to invent aeroplanes. Thus leading to global warming.

And all because of sophisticated rice.

FACTS: STRANGER THAN FICTION! 

*If anyone disagrees with these you can obtain a registered 'fact failure' certificate from the Benbo Global Fact-Check Team.

('Fact failure' certificates have no monetary value nor any legal validity. We do not vouch for the veracity of any fact failure certificate.)